Comedy

Paris Reestablishes Waiter’s Race

In Paris, 200 servers dressed in their uniforms and carrying trays with a croissant, a cup of coffee, and a…

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South Carolina Government Finds $1.8 Billion In Unaccounted Funds

Investigative accountants in South Carolina are struggling to explain the existence of an account belonging to the government containing $1.8…

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Leonardo DiCaprio Sparks Engagement Rumors As Girlfriend Flaunts New NDA

LOS ANGELES—Fueling rumors that the 49-year-old star was finally settling down, Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted with girlfriend Vittoria Ceretti on…

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Authorities Arrest Depraved Anglophile After Uncovering Hard Drive With 1.5 TB Of Hardcore Rory Kinnear, David Mitchell Photos

KNOXVILLE, TN—Seizing every device belonging to the man during a coordinated operation between local police and the FBI, authorities reportedly…

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Mark Zuckerberg’s Spouse Suspicious After He Begins Referring To Her As ‘Human Wife’

MENLO PARK, CA—Noting that the Meta CEO had been acting rather strange lately and was using his Oculus far more…

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Nickelodeon Announces Dan Schneider Has Been Chemically Castrated With Slime

LOS ANGELES—Saying the channel would do everything in its power to make up for the writer and producer’s years of…

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Taco Bell Introduces New Burrito That Will Do Its Best To Satisfy Hunger, But There Are No Guarantees In This Crazy World

IRVINE, CA—Rolling out the new menu item in a national ad campaign, Taco Bell introduced a limited-time burrito Thursday that…

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Abandoning Wife And Kids To Visit McDonald’s In Every Foreign Country Not As Satisfying As Man Expected

YICHANG, CHINA—Feeling an unfamiliar tinge of emptiness midway through his 117-nation excursion, Indiana resident Larry Hough reported Wednesday that abandoning…

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What Reddit Users Can Expect Now That The Company Is Public

The social media site Reddit successfully launched an IPO last week that raised $748 million. The Onion examines what Reddit…

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NFL Approves Major Changes To Kickoff Rules

The NFL completely overhauled its kickoff rules, taking elements used in the XFL in an effort to make the play…

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