WASHINGTON—Deciding it was finally time to call the race in favor of the Republican candidate, a reportedly exhausted President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that he was officially conceding the 2020 election to Donald Trump. “My fellow Americans, we fought long and hard for the presidency, but that journey ends here, tonight,” said the sighing commander in chief, adding that he had held out as long as he could to see what would happen as in the wake of the votes cast nearly four years ago, but that the American people deserved closure. “It was a tough race, but it’s time for everybody to move on now. I am trying to be the bigger man by admitting defeat in hopes that you would all stop yelling at me and allow me to catch up on all the TV I’ve been missing. To the new U.S. president Donald Trump, I say congratulations—they’re your problem now. It’s time for this old man to put this whole election behind him and take some time for himself. You’ll see me again, though definitely not as much—I’ll be moving on to a role where fewer people scream at me and I can get some goddamn peace and quiet.” At press time, Biden had reportedly called President Trump himself to tell him how after this he was going to sleep for, like, ever.
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